“How can I properly love my foster child like one of my own biological children?”
This is a common question that comes up for many people when they open their home to children in need. It can feel overwhelming to take in a new child who you desire to love deeply but are unsure as to whether or not it will be received or reciprocated.
It can also be challenging to love the child God has placed in your care if you’re constantly dealing with meltdowns, sour attitudes and disobedience.
If you’re struggling to understand how to love your foster or adoptive child, you’re not alone — and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Cultivating genuine love for your kid isn’t impossible, but it does take intentional work. Read on to learn more.
Understanding Your Own Attachment Style
Before you can focus on how your child will receive your love, you first need to understand your own attachment style.
Acknowledging your attachment style and past trauma can help you better learn to love a foster or adoptive child. Whether your adult attachment style is secure, or leans more towards anxious or ambivalent, confronting what past events may have caused you to enter this attachment style can aid you in recognizing any blind spots or triggers you may have when caring for children with trauma.
With this new self-awareness, you will better understand the need behind your child’s most challenging behaviors. Welcome God into this journey with you as you continue on your own path to healing.
As a reminder, love is not just giving a hug or saying, “I love you.” Love is also shown through how emotions are controlled. Removing envy or hatred and inviting patience and kindness is what God wants us to embody as His people. Set this intention as you learn to love a child who has been through trauma.
Once you’ve taken a step back to reflect on your own attachment style, try out these three steps in order to show unconditional love to your foster/adoptive child.
Look for the need behind the behavior.
Think about the emotional things you do based on a need. Do you get angry with people when you’re tired, or ignore people that have hurt you? Do you get bossy when you’re hungry or shut down when you’re feeling overworked?
For children, these actions or behaviors are often a direct result of a need they are feeling — but because they are young and underdeveloped, they aren’t able to put their feelings into words on their own.
In order to identify your child’s need, start by asking them. Sometimes they won’t be able to verbalize this, but many times there is a simple problem you can confront and solve. This directness can also help you avoid any thoughts of, “Am I the one causing this behavior?”
Identify the child’s preciousness.
When a meltdown is happening, it’s easy to put blinders on and only think about the present moment and how difficult it may be. Each child is precious in the eyes of God, and there are countless times throughout the day when your child’s preciousness is on full display — so it’s crucial to not get caught up in the moment when things get rough.
One way to do this practically is to keep track of special moments and memories with your child. When you’re playing board games together and they are filled with joy, or when they are learning lessons you teach, write these actions down in a journal or on a board to remember the growth happening every day and the happiness you’ve both felt in the past. Go back to these moments especially when it may be difficult to demonstrate love.
Remember why God called you to fostering or adoption.
You had a moment where you knew you wanted to make a difference in the lives of children in crisis. You felt the calling placed on your heart — and finding that memory can bring you back to ground zero.
Try writing down the specifics on why you got involved in foster care, so you have something to turn back to when things are hard. When the nights feel long and you get tired, remember that these children’s lives are being transformed because of the work you’re putting in.
Key Takeaway
Love can be shown in so many different ways. Many foster/adoptive children have not been shown the type of love they deserve, and you are changing that every day. Remember why God called you to this and stay focused on your mission.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”
Application
Take advantage of downtime and build your connection with your child by playing Hear, Here, a fun game that helps them understand just how closely God is listening to them.
Find the instructions now on HopeConnectTM!
