When you sign up to support children in the foster care system, there’s so much to learn — and often, you’ll need to navigate co-parenting with the child’s biological parents. The goal of foster care is always reunification with the birth parent. So, it’s important that you, as the foster parent, collaborate with the child’s biological parents whenever possible.  

It’s what’s best for the child, but it isn’t always easy.  

Managing these types of relationships can be challenging, but not impossible. Whether this is your first time welcoming a child into your home or you’ve been a caretaker for years, read on to learn how to navigate co-parenting with biological parents while you’re fostering a child.  

Addressing Your Own Biases About Birth Parents  

Before you can establish a healthy co-parenting relationship with your foster child’s biological parents, you need to first understand and address any biases or misconceptions you have about them.   

This is one of the most difficult things you can do on your foster care journey, but it’s possible if you have an open mind and a heart posture of reconciliation and understanding.   

Among the many myths that circulate in the world of child welfare is one that labels biological caregivers who get their kids taken away as “bad” individuals who are selfish, don’t love their children, and should never have their kids returned to their custody. Stereotypes like this are not only based on untruths, but they’re harmful to the children we serve.  

To truly advocate for the best interest of each child or youth in foster care, we need to activate a healthy understanding, sense of empathy, and spiritual perspective when working with their biological caregivers. No matter the reason for a child’s removal, it is not our responsibility to decide who is deserving of grace, advocacy, and love, and who is not.   

Every family, no matter their circumstances, deserves to be seen through a lens of dignity. Scripture tells us that, “they will know you by your love” (John 13:35), and it should be our goal for biological caregivers to identify us [the foster care community] as loving individuals who showed them mercy in their time of distress.  

It’s also nearly impossible to effectively co-parent with a child’s biological parent if you see them as unworthy of regaining custody of their children one day. Even if you do your best to hide your true feelings about the child’s birth parent, your honest opinion is almost guaranteed to slip out during your interactions and will sour the relationship — which ultimately has a negative impact on the child.   

Getting to the Root of the Problem  

Educating ourselves on the root causes of child maltreatment can help us see biological caregivers in a new light. The most common type of neglect reported within child welfare is physical neglect, indicating a child was living with unmet basic needs — which is almost always a result of poverty.   

In 2017, 27% of all children in the U.S. were found to be living below the federal poverty line with parents who lacked secure employment. Families living below the poverty line are at higher risk of violence and disruption within their own communities and neighborhoods.   

These findings suggest that poverty leads to mental health and developmental problems that, in turn, prevent individuals and families from breaking out of poverty, creating a vicious, intergenerational cycle of both poverty and poor mental health. These risk factors can lead to addiction and other situations that can become unsafe for a child.  

The reality is, however, that a parent’s inability to meet a child’s material need does not mean they don’t love them. Neglect may have occurred because the primary caregiver has challenges that, in most cases, can be overcome with the right support, treatment, and encouragement.  

The better we understand the circumstances that cause many children to enter the foster care system, the easier it is to look at a parent who temporarily lost custody of their child with compassion and the love of Christ.  

Tips for Co-Parenting with Biological Parents  

Once you understand the social issues that affect families who lack resources, you are better equipped to effectively partner with biological caregivers whose children are currently placed in foster care.  

Here are some ideas:  

– Be intentional about reaching out to the child’s birth parents with kind, simple messages, even if they do not reciprocate. Practice authenticity, kindness, and encouragement whenever you interact with them. You are most likely to build trust with biological caregivers when they believe you are trying to support them.  

 – Ask non-threatening questions and identify what a biological caregiver may need to further progress in their case plan. When appropriate, step into this gap or communicate these needs to the family’s caseworker. Has mom’s therapy been put in place? Does the father have a ride to the next court hearing? Has the grandmother been cleared to supervise visits? Your simple advocacy can keep things moving along in the case and show the biological family that you are an ally.  

– If you are a foster parent, co-parent with your foster child’s biological caregivers by inviting them into the child’s developmental journey. For example, you can leave a journal in the child’s backpack with notes on all the different “wins” they have accomplished that week so that the biological caregiver can read through them when they meet with the child for a visitation. When birthdays or holidays come around, you can host an additional gathering wherever you feel most comfortable for the child’s biological family to enjoy spending time with yours.  

– Reframe your heart to believe that a biological caregiver’s success is your success. Building a healthy relationship with biological families frees us to operate under the mindset that we’re all on the same team. This posture shapes our heart to fully embrace, love, and honor every piece of our foster children — including their history and biological family.  

Key Takeaway  

No matter how challenging it can be to partner with your foster child’s biological parents, every conversation you have with them is an opportunity to share the love of Christ.  

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” ~John 13:34-35 NIV  

Application  

While you’re building strong relationships with your foster child’s biological parents, it’s important to continue connecting with your kids and instilling God’s hope in their hearts, too.   

Games like Bedtime Band-Aids can help kids share their emotions and feelings about their day — all in a safe environment.   

Find it now in Hope Connect™.