One of the most common questions that I receive from foster care families is about how to stop tantrums. Whether the meltdown occurs at home or out in public, these moments can feel stressful or scary — and sometimes, they might even seem dangerous. 

However, you as an adult have more power in these situations than you might think. Read on to learn how to stop temper tantrums and help your children regulate as quickly as possible. 

The Science Behind Meltdowns 

To understand how to stop tantrums, you first need to understand what’s happening in your child’s brain during a meltdown. 

One of my favorite tools for understanding the brain is Dr. Daniel Siegel’s “Hand Model of the Brain.” Close your hand into a fist and pretend it’s your brain. 

The lowest part of your fist is the lower brain — the brain stem. This part is responsible for the most primitive functions of the body, including balance, regulation, and survival responses, like fight, flight, or freeze. 

Next (the mid part of your fist) is the limbic region. This part of the brain is responsible for big emotions and memory. The amygdala, or the “watchdog” of the brain, is in this region, too. It plays a vital role in letting you know if you’re safe or if you need to activate the fight, flight, or freeze system. 

The last part (the top part of the hand – fingers) is the cerebral cortex, which is responsible for executive functioning, logic, reasoning, impulse control, and language. This is the part of the brain that, when accessible, helps regulate you when you’re faced with a stressful situation. 

When a child gets dysregulated, the brain stem and limbic region take over, and the cerebral cortex — the part of the brain that is responsible for reasoning, logic, and language — is no longer running the show.  

This is when tantrums are most likely to happen. 

How to Stop a Meltdown 

When you’re trying to de-escalate tantrum or meltdown, speak to the lower parts of your child’s brain first. Communicate safety with your tone of voice and with your body language. Speak calmly, name the feelings that are coming up, and help their bodies to regulate by giving the child a snack or some water. 

This is not the time to try to reason, teach a lesson, or talk them out of the problem. Even though meltdowns can be stressful, remember they’re even scarier for the person experiencing them.  

 Your only goal here is to connect with your child and help them to feel safe so the different parts of their brain can work together again.   

To help your child, focus on teaching your child the strategies they need to regulate their own bodies and emotions. your child, focus on teaching your child the strategies they need to regulate their own bodies and emotions. your child, focus on teaching your child the strategies they need to regulate their own bodies and minds in the future.  

Remember, when you or your child is experiencing big emotions, focus on communicating safety and giving the body what it needs to stay calm. You want all parts of your child’s brain accessible and receptive if you want to learn and grow together.   

To help disarm fear and negative behaviors in children or teenagers who are being disruptive, consider asking questions like: 

• Can you tell me what you need? 

• How can I help you?  

Deescalating meltdowns involves leveling your response. The “IDEAL” Response to Your Child’s Challenging Behavior offers more insights.  You can also watch Dr. Siegel explain the hand model of the brain in this video: 

Key Takeaway 

As caretakers, we are responsible for teaching our children how to manage their emotions. We must also model this in our own actions and help our kids learn that, while it is okay to have big emotions, they can be used to create opportunities for understanding and connection.  

“He will care for the needy and neglected when they cry to him for help. The humble and helpless will know his kindness, for with a father’s compassion he will save their souls.” Psalm 72: 12-13  

Application 

For a lot of kids and teens, homework can be a major source of stress and frustration.  

Want a fun way to help your child grow closer to Jesus and learn how to manage their emotions during homework time?  

Access Know How, Know Where now in Hope Connect™ Everyday Moments™.