Peace. That’s all you want. So, when you hand your son your phone for a moment of screen time, the last thing you expect is Fortnite on full blast. “Shut that OFF!” you yell in frustration. And just as quickly as you snap, you realize you can’t take it back. The look on his face—hurt, upset, confused—shows the all-too-familiar cycle of disappointment inflicted by adults who lose their temper.
Children who have experienced traumatic life experiences need strong connections with their parents and caregivers. Whether you’re cheering them on for their accomplishments, guiding them through challenges, or comforting them, these positive interactions establish trust and security in your relationship. So, how can you keep this connection during challenging moments, like disciplining?
The IDEAL Response
The “IDEAL Response” is a key technique from Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), designed to help parents like you effectively address your child’s behavior in a compassionate and constructive way. Instead of reacting to our emotions by saying ‘don’t do that’ or ‘put that down,’ the “IDEAL” response teaches us to be Immediate, Direct, Efficient, Action-Based, and Leveled at the Behavior.
Immediate
Your response should be immediate, addressing the behavior within three seconds. This ensures you are clearly communicating what was wrong and allows time for correction. Let your child know exactly what needs to change and give them the opportunity to make it right.
Direct
Connect directly with your child, making eye contact and offering a reassuring touch to show your unwavering support. This shows them you’re not just pointing out the mistake, but you’re right there with them, ready to help.
Efficient
Keep your response efficient and straightforward, using simple language and maintaining a calm and understanding tone. This creates a safe and supportive environment for your child to understand and learn from their actions. Remember that the intensity of your response should be protective, calming, structured, or playful, consistent with the challenge of your child’s behavior.
Action-Based
Focus on actions rather than punishment, giving your child a chance to correct their behavior. When they do so, offer genuine praise and encouragement. This strengthens your bond with your child and lets them know you are on the same team, even when facing these challenges.
Leveled at the Behavior
Make sure you direct your response to the behavior, not the child, to emphasize that their worth is not tied to their actions. This helps them understand they are loved, regardless of their mistakes.
What You Can Expect from the IDEAL Response
The “IDEAL” Response is amazing because it ensures that your child feels just as loved and connected after being corrected as they did before. Remember, children with a history of abuse, abandonment, or neglect need a deeper level of connection and trust. The “IDEAL Response” conveys the message that even if a child makes a mistake or has a negative reaction, they are still loved and cared for.
Key Takeaway
We provide a guiding force that helps shape our children’s lives. By correcting them in an “IDEAL” way, we mirror the love and care that God shows us so that we might share in his grace and mercy.
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
Application
Want a fun-filled activity that helps you respond to your child in an “IDEAL” way?
Meal Mix-up does just that – plus, it gets you both a little closer to Jesus.
Access Meal Mix-up now on HopeConnect™!
